1. 16 Aug


    What about uggs on a fennec fox? Welcome to “What About Shoes on an Animal” Tuesday. This is a thing I’m gunna do now. Sorry and also you’re welcome.

    What about uggs on a fennec fox?

    Welcome to “What About Shoes on an Animal” Tuesday.

    This is a thing I’m gunna do now. Sorry and also you’re welcome.

     

  2. 10 Aug


    GPOYW This summer I gave myself two dumb goals: try to figure out make up and try to wear more jewelery. Which I suppose roughly translates to: try to be a girl. The farthest I got on either was I’m now in the habit of carrying lipstick. It’s still not going that great. I’ll gift you this - Thought process when I apply lipstick: One minute in: This looks AMAZING! Instant beauty in a TUBE! I look like EVERY BEAUTIFUL ACTRESS EVER! APHRODITE HERSELF WOULD BOW IN MY PRESENCE. One minute and 30 seconds in: People are looking at me. They think it’s too much. Fuck it’s too much. Everyone hates it. “Who does this girl think she is? Some fucking fashionista? She put her hair up with a PEN which she forgot to put the cap on and there are pen marks all over her upper neck.” OK brb gotta scrub my lips off! Two minutes in: I forgot I put make up on. (P.S. also as you can tell, I prefer to keep my eyes grey and smudgy like my heart)

    GPOYW

    This summer I gave myself two dumb goals: try to figure out make up and try to wear more jewelery. Which I suppose roughly translates to: try to be a girl.

    The farthest I got on either was I’m now in the habit of carrying lipstick. It’s still not going that great. I’ll gift you this -

    Thought process when I apply lipstick:

    One minute in: This looks AMAZING! Instant beauty in a TUBE! I look like EVERY BEAUTIFUL ACTRESS EVER! APHRODITE HERSELF WOULD BOW IN MY PRESENCE.

    One minute and 30 seconds in: People are looking at me. They think it’s too much. Fuck it’s too much. Everyone hates it. “Who does this girl think she is? Some fucking fashionista? She put her hair up with a PEN which she forgot to put the cap on and there are pen marks all over her upper neck.” OK brb gotta scrub my lips off!

    Two minutes in: I forgot I put make up on.

    (P.S. also as you can tell, I prefer to keep my eyes grey and smudgy like my heart)

     

  3. 10 Aug



    Funny or Die: QUIZ - Are these shows on TNT or USA?

    I aced this quiz. Do you wanna know why!? BECAUSE I LOVE TNT AND USA SHOWS. I watch as many as I can. I get physically upset when I can’t keep up with a new wacky show they throw out there like it’s confetti. Fun, delicious, terrible tv candy confetti.

    My favorite show is COVERT AFFAIRS which if you know anything about anything, had it’s SHOCKING summer season finale last night, during which, I was glued to the screen!

    YOU GUYS I HAVE SO MANY OPINIONS AND THOUGHTS AND QUESTIONS ABOUT COVERT AFFAIRS. I have two full notebook pages in my illustrious moleskine dedicated to this fucking show. You can expect an in-depth blog post about it tonight after work. I’m doing some important things here.

     

  4. 9 Aug



    Wow, those cookies went fast.
    — overheard in my office i have no idea why
     

  5. 3 Aug


    GPOYW Taken on my first CoLLeGe SpRiNg BrEaK when I was trying to catch a seagull because I needed to find out if it’s feathers were as soft as they looked. This is a picture of my soul.

    GPOYW

    Taken on my first CoLLeGe SpRiNg BrEaK when I was trying to catch a seagull because I needed to find out if it’s feathers were as soft as they looked.

    This is a picture of my soul.

     

  6. 3 Aug


    Who wants one????

    Who wants one????

     

  7. 31 Jul


    This morning I found myself unable to finish my breakfast burrito. With a heavy heart, I said goodbye, and left the restaurant, struggling to maintain composure. Still, I couldn’t help but look back and hope to see it running out after me. “Dammit, you’re the only patron I’ve ever loved.” “You’re the only burrito I order. But I’m afraid. What if this relationship is bad for me.” “You know this isn’t the place to cut calories. You’ve been cutting calories your whole life, isn’t it time you look straight into your heart and give yourself what you want - what you need?” “But - “ “Don’t bullshit me, McElvain.” And then I make out with a burrito.

    This morning I found myself unable to finish my breakfast burrito.

    With a heavy heart, I said goodbye, and left the restaurant, struggling to maintain composure. Still, I couldn’t help but look back and hope to see it running out after me.

    “Dammit, you’re the only patron I’ve ever loved.”

    “You’re the only burrito I order. But I’m afraid. What if this relationship is bad for me.”

    “You know this isn’t the place to cut calories. You’ve been cutting calories your whole life, isn’t it time you look straight into your heart and give yourself what you want - what you need?”

    “But - “

    “Don’t bullshit me, McElvain.”

    And then I make out with a burrito.

     

  8. 27 Jul



    EllieMcE Consulting

    My entrepreneurial friend is starting a small marketing firm to help local businesses get their name out. Last night we hung out and he wanted my help with choosing a name. He wants something that is professional but interesting, and hints at their mission of providing success for their clients. Here are my pitches in our brainstorming session:

    Me:  MountainVantage…PeakLight… GreenVoyage… AzureGroup

    Friend: You can’t just put any two words together. Those are nonsense. Also we’re in the Midwest. We don’t even have mountains or oceans here.

    Me: That is beside the point. And of course I can, that’s how all names happen. We’re just brainstorming here!

    Friend: Fine, continue.

    Me: CraniumPoint… WindowsPoint, PowerPoint, Excel –

    Friend: You’re naming Microsoft products now.

    Me: I need you to stop interrupting my creative process. OpenDoor, CurtainTassle… TableTop..

    Friend: Now you’re just naming things you see.

    Me: I’ve got it.

    Friend: Really?

    Me: StupidFace.

    Friend: You are fired.

     

  9. 27 Jul


    So I also did this series of tweets recently. WHAT DID YOU THINK THAT WAS MADE UP TOO? WHAT DO YOU THINK MY LIFE IS BECAUSE IT IS ACTUALLY A BASKET OF RIDICULOUS.

     

  10. 25 Jul



    Tampons are Really Expensive

    Me: My laptop’s getting fixed because the hard drive crashed.

    Co-Worker/Friend: Oh that’s the worst. Do you have to pay for it?

    Me: No, I bought it like 3 months ago. It’s in my warranty.

    Co-Worker/Friend: My apartment got broken into a couple years ago and they stole everything. Laptop theft wasn’t covered in mine so I had to get a new one.

    Me: They stole everything!?

    Co-Worker/Friend: Well, not everything, but all the expensive stuff.

    Me: Did they steal all your tampons?

    Co-Worker/Friend: No, Ellie… No.

     

  11. 19 Jul



    You Came to the Wrong Place

    1. Friend: I need some help. There's a fresh croissant in the trash at this starbucks, but it's right on top. You gotta keep me away from the garbage food.
    2. Me: Grab it.
    3. Friend: But that's gross!
    4. Me: Is it sitting on garbage?
    5. Friend: No, it's on a plate.
    6. Me: GRAB IT.
     

  12. 16 Jul


    YOUR AD ON THIS BENCH OR I SEND MY PANTHER TO EAT YOUR BABIES

    YOUR AD ON THIS BENCH OR I SEND MY PANTHER TO EAT YOUR BABIES

     

  13. 13 Jul



    Things I’ll Believe Before I Buy That You Really Have a Concealed Baby in That Stroller

    • A large firearm of some sort, perhaps a bazooka.
    • Petite asian assassin (or asiassin as trademarked by me right now)
    • A creature not yet accepted by society at large (i.e. the water horse, white person with dread locks, an ugly baby)
    • Alien AND/OR Tilda Swinton
    • Pinata filled with heroin
    • Pinata filled with candy!
    • In very tricky cases, a small boombox with a tape recording of a crying baby + any of the above items.

     

  14. 5 Jul



    UPDATE

    I have a legitimate burn-blister on my index finger which upgrades these marshmallow wounds to 2nd-degree burns!!!!!! Hoo-AH!